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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Went to the doctor and hit with another reality

So the below is my journal entry transcribed from paper so please excuse the rawness. 
So here we go another day with an another humiliating event.  I just want to crawl into a whole and hide from the world.  I can't talk to my husband about it right now because he is angry with me from the heated discussion we had on the way to the appointment and I need him so badly because I'm completely mortified.
 So I came to the doctor today because I needed to take a breathing test and they needed to schedule my husband and I for our new sleep apnea test. 
I go to the back sit on this little  seat that inside of this circular booth.  First off let me just say my first question to the tech was "will this hold me?" -  I can't even tell you how many time I have had to ask this question and I can't even tell you how tired I am of asking myself and especially others this question.  So I sit in the booth and so far so good until the technician tells me that the door has to close.  She continues to try and close the booth - not going to happen.  She's in more denial than I am at this point (I'm thinking it is because she probably has never attempted to test someone that didn't fit) Nevertheless she says can you try and sit straight up and push your feet back.  She then attempts to close the door.  She got past one leg (but can I say as she is closing the door it is scraping my leg, which means that to open it back it was going to be tricky).  I'm thinking OMG I'm going to get stuck in this thing I know I am.  She gets past the left leg but can't get past the right.  Reality at this point has sunk in and she opened the booth up and said I will be right back.  When she returned she says to me we are going to schedule you at the hospital because the booth is a little bigger there.
Do I need to say how much humiliation, despair, frustration, and sadness I felt at this moment?  But I maintained myself and I walk out with no tears.  I sit down to wait to be called by my doctor and all I wanted to do was cry on my husbands shoulder but that wasn't going to happen because of the previous heated discussion.  So I begin to do what I am finding truly therapeutic for me right now and that is write/blog.
As I begin to write he asks me a question nicely, which leads me to tell him what just happened here we go..... The tears just start flowing in the waiting room at the doctors office.  Being the good husband that he is, he then gets up and begins to console me. 
Before I began this journey I would be so depressed that I would try and cheer myself up with cake, cookies, candy or anything that was remotely tasty and incredibly bad for me.  Trust me I'm still thinking how could I let myself get this bad?
The only difference is now? This is just pissing me off more and more.  I'm over feeling sorry for myself.  Now I am super angry.  I'm so angry that I want a badger to look at me and think "wow I want to be a bad ass like her"  I'M DONE WITH THE BS!!!  
I'M TIRED OF BEING HUMILIATED!!!  I PUT MYSELF IN THIS SITUATION AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR ME TO TAKE MY ASS OUT OF IT!!!

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