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Friday, January 27, 2012

Day 18 My Journey to the outside world yesterday

So yesterday I was able to go out into the world.  You know fear is an amazing thing.  It can prevent you to do things that are best for you.  Before I go and start on my journey to the outside world I had to stop for gas, now this use to be an experience of coffee and some sort of pie, apple or cherry or maybe even both.  Let's just say I kicked Circle K in its ass.  But the best part is I didn't even realize I had done it until I got home when my husband asked me if I cheated.  I bee-lined for the water and then I purchased a cup of coffee and my my gas.  I didn't even look at the cakes and cookies and the best part is I didn't look at them with no effort.  I put on one of my cd's and as I drove all over my city yesterday taken care of my business I partied.  I never even gave the evil Taco Smell or Jack in the Crack a second thought.  The funny thing is it wasn't an actual effort.  It wasn't like I saw Jack in the Box and said boy I sure could go for a shake right now.  The thought never came to me and for me, if you only knew, is such a huge battle, THAT I WON!!!!

So when I get home my husband asks me if I cheated (cause he knows how I used to be-I can't even tell you how good it is to say that-let me say it again, cause he knows how I used to be hee hee) I was able to tell him no, very strongly and then I proceed to tell him I am choosing to change my life and I begin to tell him my experience walking into Circle K and hit me like a brick-I kicked Circle K in its ass honey badger style.   As I begin to realize the win I began to get emotional as it is super overwhelming for me and I just simply start crying because as I'm realizing that I beat Circle K I'm also realizing that I didn't give any of the fast food places that I am sure I passed a second thought.

So before I left I promised Amber that I would get weighed in.  My husband and I both go to get weighed in only for me to find out that I have gained 10 pounds.  This put a very discouraging and disappointing cap to my great day.  My minds starts to race as I try to search for all the things I ate and why this is happening to me, I'm thinking the sodium maybe I ate to much sodium, I think the ladies were right I must not be eating enough and then last night my brain starts to think what is different this week from last week?  I have received 2 meds for my legs.  I look up the meds on google to find out their side effects and OMG!

Gabapentin Capsules

All medicines may cause side effects, but many people have no, or minor, side effects. Check with your doctor if any of these most COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Gabapentin Capsules:
Clumsiness; constipation; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; nausea; stomach upset; tiredness; vomiting; weight gain.
Amitriptyline/Chlordiazepoxide
All medicines may cause side effects, but many people have no, or minor, side effects. Check with your doctor if any of these most COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Amitriptyline/Chlordiazepoxide:
Abnormal skin sensations; bloating; blurred vision; constipation; diarrhea; disturbed concentration; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; headache; loss of appetite; nausea; restlessness; tiredness; upset stomach; vomiting; weakness; weight gain
Heartbreak does not even describe what I felt last night.  I completely broke down, my husband even had to come and truly console me.  I lost it!!  Here I am trying so hard, harder than I have ever tried in my life and weight is sneakin in through the back door.  I was devastated last night.  Devastated!  So I think I went through 2 stages of grief.  I went from devastation to pissed off.  I can't stop taking the meds because they are actually working but I can kick my system in the ass and push harder than I have pushed the past 2 weeks.  More strict and eat more.  Watch my sodium and get my fat ass up and start moving.

I CHOOSE TO BE HEALTHY!  I DON'T CHOOSE TO BE FATTER TOMORROW!  It's just that simple.

Yesterday Intake
Chorizo topped Tilapia
2 baked chicken legs 2 boneless pieces of chicken thigh (I forced the chicken the second chicken let)
120 ounces of water

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